And thus the reason why I dislike living in the UK makes itself immediately clear. With the huge taxes on tobacco in this country, smoking really does kill. Your bank balance. However the high sales tax actually works to the government’s benefit – even 10 years ago the tobacco industry was generating over £10 billion a year in tax alone (enough to pay for three quarters of the education and employment budget) – as well as the constant price hikes acting as a pretty good reason for smokers to kick the habit. If you don’t want to give up, then move to South America or the Middle East – cigarettes are around 7 times cheaper; and smokes in North America and the rest of Europe will only cost you about half of what they cost me.

For more detailed (and more global) information on the cost of tobacco around the world, check out the WHO’s Tobacco Atlas.

As one of the most exported beers in the world, Heineken was the perfect brand for our little study. European prices vary – for once Belgium outranks the UK in terms of outlandish pricing, though that’s only because there’s a premium on imported beers over there – with Spain and Germany the best places in Europe to get a cheap pint. India, however, sinks the competition with bottles at 37p each – but then again, nothing washes a curry down quite like a nice frosty beer, and according to the stereotype, Indians eat a hell of a lot of curry. Dubai’s prices would be much lower if it wasn’t for their strange laws concerning the sale of alcohol – only hotels and private clubs are allowed to serve alcohol; two locations where one would generally expect there to be a pretty major markup on prices. Interestingly, if you want to buy alcohol to consume at home, you need an annual licence, which has to be obtained from – get this – the CID branch of the Dubai Police department. Still, it’s cheaper than the UK, and I’d imagine Dubai doesn’t suffer from the many problems that the UK endures as a result of alcohol abuse.

Caffeine (the real reason we all drink coffee) is described by Wikipedia as a “xanthine alkaloid compound that acts as a psychoactive stimulant”. Be that as it may, I still prefer the description on my coffee mug, which states that coffee has for many years been allowing us “to do stupid things faster, and with more energy”. If you want proof, check out the effect the stuff has on spiders. As somebody who quaffs 5 or 6 cups of Joe a day, that’s slightly worrying for me, but thankfully I don’t have to build my house every night with a substance secreted from my anal glands.

The most interesting thing to note here is the high price in Dubai, which has thus far been one of the cheaper countries. This is probably due to the fact that it’s a luxury item (as well as a stimulant), has to be imported, and most Arabs will be drinking traditional Arabic coffee (“Kahva”) anyway. European prices are all pretty similar (once again Belgium is enticing), with South America the coffee drinker’s nirvana, just as the Nescafe adverts over the years have portrayed it to be, running their hands seductively through vast sacks of perfectly-formed cocoa beans… oh, sorry, you’re still here?

Ah, chocolate: the original luxury foodstuff, and what better to spend your hard-earned cash on than helping you work, rest and play? The notable discrepancies for this item are the higher prices in France and Spain, as well as the much lower prices in Argentina and Brazil. I suppose the latter is probably influenced by the prevalence of the cocoa bean in South America. Belgium again seems to be on the cheap side compared with its European counterparts… Either way, this isn’t one of the more interesting comparisons, other than showing us that you can get 4 Mars bars in Argentina for the price of one in the UK or USA. South Americans should be fatter.

The world’s most popular soft drink can be bought in almost any country in the world. Personally I can’t stand the stuff, because I’ve always thought the taste had a slightly medicinal quality – which made it all the more interesting to find out that the original Coca Cola, invented by a guy called John Pemberton in the 19th century, was originally intended to be a patent medicine – a “temperance drink”. Once again the prices in Argentina and Brazil show that the cost of living in South America really is dramatically less than in Europe and the rest of the world. The weather’s far better, too, and they can actually play football out there. Which leads me to my next question – why am I not there right now?

16.8 million metric tons of everybody’s favourite curved tropical fruit are exported from India each year, with Brazil their closest competition with an annual output of 6.7 million tons – facts which, while not particularly interesting on their own, go a long way in explaining why a kilo of bananas have cost our Indian and Brazilian shoppers so little compared with everyone else. An unrelated yet appealing (sorry) fact about bananas is Californian preacher Ray Comfort’s attempt to use the fruit to prove that God exists. You see, the modern day banana reeks of intelligent design: it’s easy to hold, its colour is a clear indication of its ripeness, it has a biodegradable and easily-peeled wrapper, and it’s nutritious. However, Comfort soon changed his tune when it was pointed out to him that wild bananas rarely have these characteristics – only the domesticated version which has been selectively grown for hundreds of years because of those reasons. Whoops. Bananas 1, God 0.

From bananas to condoms – I promise you, that was accidental – the humble ‘gentleman’s raincoat’ has helped prevent unplanned pregnancy and STDs all over the world from the time they were made from lamb intestines (no, seriously), to today’s diverse assortment of rubber choices. Two things stand out in our worldwide shopping: firstly, condoms in Dubai are a whole pound more expensive than in the UK – whether they’re trying to encourage reproduction or whether they share the opinion with numerous (sadly ignorant) African countries that condoms are “only for prostitutes”, I just don’t know. Is this why Arabs I meet always seem to have 11 brothers and 8 sisters?

Secondly, Belgium once again destroys its European competition. I don’t know what’s going on with Belgium, but consumables seem to be a lot cheaper over there. India’s low-cost condoms reflect the country’s overpopulation problems, especially as so many are born straight into poverty. To promote safe sex India have recently launched an ad campaign that truly captures the imagination, featuring Indian men singing and dancing in colourful condom outfits – a hilariously silly video with a soberingly serious message.